Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
