Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
