Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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