Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
