I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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