I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
