the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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