I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
