i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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