its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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