Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
