my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
