so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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