i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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