she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
