i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
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