i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
