Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
