I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
