I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
