Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
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