I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
