You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
