It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
