i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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