Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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