Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
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