i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
