Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
