One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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