this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Randomize
