how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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