so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
