bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
