I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
