just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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