i permit you to call me
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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