My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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