SEEEEXXX PLEASE
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
