Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
