Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
