It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
