glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
