god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize