People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
