I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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