I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Every concussion has its silver lining
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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