You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
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