Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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