Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
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