you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
