I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
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