I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize