I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
