didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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