mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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