My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
as a side note pls kill me
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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