I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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